Rebecca Black's life lessons

If you haven't heard of Rebecca Black yet then 1) I apologise for what you're about to witness, 2) You clearly haven't been on the internet this past week. Welcome back, and 3) You obviously don't know your days of the week yet.

Firstly, here is the video...

And here were my reactions, in order...

 

I would analyse this in depth at this point, but I'm not going to for 3 reasons. It's already been analysed, parodied, and blogged (guilty) to death. The analysis would only point out the obvious ridiculousness parts, e.g. 13 year olds driving a car after waiting at a bus stop. Rebecca Black is also only 13 years old and after admittedly taking the mick out of her for over a week, I now feel quite bad. So instead I'm going to explain the reasoning behind the video and the aftermath. LET'S BEGIN.

The song and video was produced by Ark Music Factory who take on teens wishing to be singers. Note that Clarence Jay and Patrice Wilson, the owners of the company, also write the songs. Rebecca didn't have a part in the songwriting process. Her mum paid $2000 for her daughter to be a pop singer for the day and enjoy herself with all her friends. That's it. I have friends who did exactly the same at that age for birthdays (though didn't pay that much). If their songs went on YouTube then this instance would have happened a long time ago. Basically, none of this is Rebecca Black's fault and some of the comments on the video following it going viral are HORRENDOUS. Real nasty snaps and death threats. She's 13! If anyone should have the comments thrown at them it should be Ark Music Factory who autotune their artists to the extent that it could be anyone singing, and clearly lack creativity and logic. Anyone could have been given this shite song to perform and they would have received the same amount of abuse. 

Like I said before, I'll admit that I thought Rebecca was an idiot to start with and mimicked the song no end at school. Our whole common room sang the bloody song on Friday. I've seen countless parodies and dubs too, most of which were hilarious. But then I thought about Rebecca reading all these comments, seeing all of these parodies and maybe even hearing the abuse first hand in person. I crumble at one person criticising me. Actually it doesn't even have to be a criticism, just a negative comment or a disagreement, so I can't even begin to imagine what she felt when millions of people crushed her. THIRTEEN! I'm nearly 18 and would be a mess. 

Then I saw this... 

Good on her! Her answers were brilliant and she genuinely seems like a lovely girl. She must have grown thick skin this past week but has bravely stood her ground and faced up to the responses the video has received. I couldn't quite believe that the interviewer read out some comments and didn't hold back, but Rebecca smiled the whole time and even though she admitted that she did cry (who wouldn't?) she brushed them all off with answers that I would've given. And she CAN sing! Listen to her sing part of the National Anthem. She's pretty damn good in my opinion so all of that ridiculous autotuning was totally unnecessary. Match her voice with a GOOD song and she'll get all the attention for the right reasons. 

Ark Music Factory have completely let her down and should realise that they should take responsibility for the nasty backlash. They owe poor Rebecca an apology. Now excuse me while I choose which seat to take at the dinner table.

List of stuff I want to happen but probably won't but I like to think will

Right now I'm meant to be finishing some of my English coursework but this isn't happening for two reasons. 1) I don't know what to write, and 2) Mum's put My Fair Bloody Lady on and I can't hear myself think when I've got them making stupid noises trying to make this woman talk proper. So I've given up, for now, and am thinking of all the stuff I want to miraculously happen to me. I can almost guarantee that none of them will come true, but saying that this time last year I wouldn't in a million years have thought I'd be interviewed on Channel 4 news after winning a national competition so I always have a smidge of hope that ANYTHING can happen now. So, ahem...

1) Be in a Doctor Who episode. This will always be number one on my LOSIWTHBPWBILTTW and seeing as I'm going to Cardiff in 16 days THIS IS A POSSIBILITY. Imagine it. Me walking in the background behind Matt Smith, just casually, as DALEKS APPEAR. Then a cyberman will DUN DUN DUN (that's their feet) behind me and I'll whip out some ninja moves. Actually no. I'll start screaming then hurt my leg so Matt Smith has to save me. Yes.

2) Be invited to either (OR BOTH) the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part II premiere or the Pirates of the Caribbean 4 premiere. Like actually go in and watch the movie with the stars, not just go on the red carpet (although I wouldn't say no). And if there's an afterparty, go to that too. Pleasethankyou.

3) Get a book deal then for them to be so successful they're made into movies.

4) Meet Miranda Hart. I don't care how long for and in what circumstance. I just want to meet her, say hello, get a photo with her, and tell her she's amazing...............then be in an episode of Miranda. Again, just casual.

5) Carry out a massive charity event and raise massive amounts of money. I want to do this so bad after watching Comic Relief, going to the kazoo attempt and seeing all the twitrelief and desert trek efforts. I will do it, and it'll be huge. I'll get celebs involved, do something crazy, something mad, go to Africa and help. Anything. I'll organise it all and make sure everybody knows about it.

6) For Caitlin Moran to follow me on twitter. This is a big deal. Happiness would pour from all orifices.

7) Be front row at a concert or comedy gig. Preferably Adele. Or Take That, Mika, Katy Perry, Michael Buble. Or Lee Evans, Michael McIntyre, Alan Carr, Sarah Millican, Eddie Izzard.

8) Be invited to a big posh party in London, preferably littered with celebs. And food.

9) Write an article for The Guardian or The Times. Then for the Guardian or Times people to be SO impressed by it they just give me a weekly column.

So yeah if anyone can sort any of the above out that'd be ace and most appreciated. Ta muchly. X

Big Red Nose Show (aka TWAZOO NIGHT)

A blog the day after tomorrow is better than tomorrow.

I wasn't going to go to the Big Red Nose Show at first. Mainly because it was on a Monday, my mum wouldn't pay for it on her card and no one would come with me. Can you imagine the conversation?
Me: Hey, do you want to come to the Royal Albert Hall next Monday with me to play a kazoo with loads of twitter people who you don't know?
Victim: .......
But because my best friend is my best friend she said yes and booked us tickets. She loves me.

But she wasn't as excited as me in the slightest. I was excited because twitter was there and I knew it was going to be another OMGLOOKITS*enter twitter name here*INREALLIFEIKNOWTHEM! moment. (and because it was a Guinness World Record attempt for charity, obv. But still, TWITTER) So I made us leave really early so we'd get there really early and be right at the front. We had standing arena tickets and I was not going to have anything less than front row middle otherwise I would STROP. People would get hurt. We did end up outside the Royal Albert Hall stupidly early, so early that no one else was there apart from a posh old lady who looked like this..

We were second in the queue and quite happily talking in newly formed posh accents to posh lady. But in denim shorts, tights and a "LOUISE YOU'RE SHOWING HALF YOUR BOOBS OFF. PUT A SCARF ON." top I don't think we hid our Essexness that well. At 6:15ish we were let into the bar, and after sitting eating Alpen bars for a bit we realised people had actually started queuing AT THE ARENA DOOR. I wasn't having that. So after my headband broke (which Clare found HILARIOUS but it was actually a CATASTROPHE) we casually did this...

It worked. Viking couple didn't say anything and as soon as the doors opened I stared at the spot I wanted and sprinted there as soon as my ticket was checked. BAM. Front row middle. And no one was hurt in the process, apart from my headband. We had our kazoos by this point and gradually the RAH was filled with wasps, or so it sounded. Or vuvuzelas at the World Cup but with your TV volume turned down a bit. This is when we started to really get excited. The stage was literally THERE right in front of us and chairs were everywhere on the stage. "THE TWITTER CELEBS ARE GONNA BE RIGHT THERE. MIRANDA. RIGHT THERE." Then the BBC Concert Orchestra came in and filled the seats. "Ummm." Then we noticed the rows of empty seats..

I won't lie. My heart sank a little bit. So many were going to be there! In front of me! Caitlin Moran (only my idol, no biggie), Emma Kennedy, Boyd Hilton, Grace Dent, Emma Freud, Charlie Condou, Tracy Ann-Oberman, Krishnan Guru-Murthy, Dawn Porter, Sue Perkins, MIRANDA HART! Now there were literally 'up there' away from my stalkerness.

We tried to take a good photo of us but they all ended up red or shaky, so we gave up and mucked about..

The concert began with Basil Brush (yes really) and Katie Derham introducing and the orchestra doing their thing, which is really something up close. Sue Perkins even came on and conducted. MARVO.

But twitter wasn't here yet and I started to get figety. I really did miss the point of the night didn't I? But soon enough the announcement came that the celebs were joining us for the kazoo attempt. They filled the rows and I spotted everyone I loved, so naturally whipped out my phone and tweeted them all saying "I SEE YOU" which is not stalkerish at all and "I'M DOWN THE FRONT IN A BLACK CARDIGAN AND GREY SCARF!" I have no shame. Boyd replied "Woohoo!" and Krishnan replied "I see you" which was good enough for me. Even if I couldn't meet everyone my presence was known. Hell yeah.

Kazoo attempt 1 was hilarious, Sue Perkins was down with us conducting, then we went to a break and celebs disappeared. But Basil said we were going to do another attempt, meaning they were coming back. Hope was not lost. Sure enough they filed back in after the break and Marcus Brigstocke came on for a comedy bit.

This is where it all gets AMAZE.

He said that he was bringing down 3 friends to help him, and those 3 friends were Miranda Hart, Emma Kennedy and Mel Giedroyc. Now imagine my reaction. I think I stopped breathing and everything went a bit slow mo. (No I am NOT exaggerating and yes it WAS that big a deal to me) Miranda was bloody coming down the stairs onto the stage. Right in front of us. RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. The temptation to shout SUCH FUN! was overwhelming. You know when you want to look at someone but don't in case they see you're staring? That happened with Emma. I've followed her since I started twitter 2 years ago today and we've spoken a bit. She even follows ME which technically means we're friends right? I thought so. But now she was there AND THIS REALLY WHERE IS AMAZE GETS. (that is seriously what I just typed in my excitement. unscramble it for yourself)

I have no idea if she saw my tweet about where I was standing and wearing...but she saw me...and she recognised me...and she stopped and pointed and went "LOUISE JONES!" before being ushered by Marcus to the microphone. OH BUT IT DOESN'T STOP THERE. She still came over despite Marcus pulling her away begging for her to carry on with his bit (okay so I exaggerated that bit but I like to think that happened) and reached for my hand. Because of the shitting gap between the stage and barrier we only just managed to touch fingers. But I don't care. The fact she stopped what she was doing on stage to come and say hello was enough for me. Maybe I said hello back? I remember my cheeks hurting from smiling so much and frantically waving but whether I said anything is debatable. Anyway, that made my night and I could have died happy there and then. Maybe next time we'll have a proper conversation and won't have to pull our arms out of our sockets for contact.

The 3 did that thing where you tell a story but say one word at a time, and this particular story was about teaching a dog to play clarinet. It was hilarious. Then after more frantic waving they went back up before the second kazoo attempt and the stunning Nicola Icantrememberherlastname played a violin solo and Sue Perkins conducted the orchestra again BRILLIANTLY..

As it got near to 10:30pm I started to get panicky because it was a fair walk back to the station to catch 2 tubes and train home, and with my record I don't risk anything, but thankfully the Guiness World Record man came on to announce we had indeed broken the world record. HOORAY.

and Julian Lloyd Webber did a bit on his big instrument (cello? *shrug* whatever it was he wacked my brother with it at Gatwick airport last year. tsk.) And then we went home. Tired. Giddy. Incredibly smiley.

But in all seriousness, the night was brilliant. Celebrity twitter mania aside, it was amazing to see how many people turned up to support Comic Relief. My ticket was £5 which pays for mosquito nets for 12 children, so in my eyes I've saved 12 children's lives. Comic Relief is doing incredible things this year to raise money and most of it is all down to twitter. Twitrelief has been set up where you bid for a celebrity to follow you and for their extra prize, and I know there's been some controversial comments about it but in the end it's raising SO much money! What does it matter?! I'm just glad I've been a part of it and contributed some of my money and time to save lives, and I'm SO up for it again next year. Twazoo part 2. X

This is my online diary

Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to write a blog today AND WRITE ANOTHER ONE TOMORROW. I don't know where this one will end up. It doesn't have a point to it. Which is good, because that's what my blogs used to be about. I blogged my life, about random shit that happened and didn't plan them. Now I always feel like I have to plan them and they have to be on some big issue. Basically I'm trying too hard and want to please people all the time and give them what they want. Or what I think they want anyway. So I haven't been blogging as much and don't enjoy it because I'm trying to live up to something. I know that's bad, if people read my blogs at the start then they were clearly fine and why should I change? Okay so the odd big issue "from a 17 year old(and a half)'s perspective" is fine, if I care about it. But that doesn't mean to say I should stop rambling on about my life like I used to. This is my online diary.

Right now, 12:20, Sunday 13 March 2011..
I'm still in my pyjamas and my hair resembles a lion's mane. A lion's mane which has been pulled through a bush backwards. My brother is in his room playing some game probably about killing people or stick men, but insisting he'll do his History homework later. He is also still in his pyjamas. My dad is at my nan and grandad's house helping my grandad build a new greenhouse. He's probably not in his pyjamas. My mum is downstairs in with her friend gossiping about stuff. She's definitely not in her pyjamas. She's wearing her signature Obsession perfume which you could probably smell from Latvia she puts so much on.
Not quite sure why I chose Latvia.
But her having friends round means I'm not allowed out of my room. There is no food in my room. I hope she realises this. Someone said I should dress up in the most odd combination of clothes and go around the house mumbling to myself for lols. Mum made the situation worse by saying we're having spag bol when her friend leaves, and my stomach heard this. Now I sound like a lion as well as resemble one. What I should be doing is coursework. I should be writing another magazine article about our film. We finished filming it on Friday but I'm surprised we didn't get chucked out the school with Georgia, our main actor, screaming "NOOO CHARLLIIIEEEEE! NOOOOOOOO!" and having a massive sobby breakdown dressed in a hospital gown collapsing on the stairs. It was funtimes.
Ooh look it's 12:36.
Let's be honest, I won't get a lot done today. I'll paint my nails and make plans for the Big Red Nose Show tomorrow. I'm surprised I'm not jumping off the walls about this, it's basically the whole of twitter in the Royal Albert Hall playing kazoos. I MAY GO MENTAL. Anyone who tries to get in my way as I race to the front will get a punch in the face.
Anything else? I'm quite cold. I'm still hungry. I've been playing this all morning...



We're back on form, diary. X