You should not have told me I can put GIFs on here...

Just spent the last hour looking at the Bangor uni videos. Standard September night really. UCAS -> English Language -> Same courses I always look at -> Oh look the same unis -> Funny, I recognise that bedroom I'VE LOOKED AT IT SO MANY TIMES.

I seemed to finish my Personal Statement this morning. That was, er, weird.

No doubt it will get ripped to shreds by a trillion people before I submit it, but writing the last line felt good. I'm not stressed about uni really. What? What do you mean you don't believe me? Verging on mental breakdowns constantly? You've received 5 emails of distress from me? Oh.

Honestly though, September's been ace. I'm 18. EIGHTEEN!

Did somebody say September? I'm sure I heard that. It's not July is it? S e p t e m b e r? The Autumn month? Yes I thought so. SO WHY IS IT 30C today??? No am I not happy about this. I have a new coat. It's burgundy. It has a very furry hood and I look like an eskimo. LET ME LOOK LIKE AN ESKIMO. I'm sure I heard my legs screaming in horror at being let out into the light today. Gorgeous red leaves, newly fallen on the ground, were shouting, "BUT IT WAS MY TIME. MY TIME TO SHINE IS NOW. WHY AM I NOT CRUNCHING? HELP ME UP, FFS. GET ME BACK ON THAT TREE." Even the slugs fell victim to the chaos. Thinking everything was dark, wet, and cold. Poor souls. They're the ones all crunched up on the ground, not the leaves. The only ones getting away with this are the daddylonglegs. Gliding around like they own the effing place. Spiders I can deal with. But daddylonglegs unleash emotions and actions I never knew I had. 

So yeah being 18's involved going out A LOT. Going to pubs, clubs, parties, buying cigar...*fades to black and silence. head pops into shot, and body shuffles in* Hahahahahaahaha...oh, you thought I was SERIOUS?

I've been fangirling the hell out of Doctor Who, geeking out over Stephen Fry's Planet Word, adding copious amounts of books to my Amazon wishlist, and voicing the tripod in War Of The Worlds in French with my friends, consequently crying with laughter and doubling over in stomach pain. 

The only remotely 18 year oldish thing I've done is click "I am over 18" boxes on websites with TRUTH. My 18yo life > your 18yo life.  

AND, EXIT

9/11 and me: The Wait

A lot can happen in 10 years. A lot does happen in 10 years, for a once 8 year old. 3 schools. 18 qualifications. 4 shoe sizes. 3 hair colours. 1ft 7". 6 countries. A lot changes in time, a lot develops, but it doesn't take a lot to influence an innocent 8 year old's mind. It can take 1 event. An event that doesn't change in 10 years. An event that won't develop, or get easier, or get better. An event that became 'the' event. 

I’m 18. In the grand scheme of life, I haven’t experienced a lot, and I don’t know a lot. But I've been taught a lot, and what I’ve been taught by the world is that bad always exists. We live in a bad world. Not just bad as in loved ones passing away, or a terrible car crash, but bad on a much larger scale. There’s constant risk, and fear, and wait for the next awful event to occur. If something hasn’t happened for about 3 months then I think that something’s just around the corner. I wait for bad. I expect bad. I don’t expect good. I never wait for good.

But I live in a bubble. I live in a bubble and it never crosses my mind that this bad will happen to me. I just watch from the sidelines, tut a little, sympathise a little, switch to a different channel to get different angles of a burning building. A different photo of another dead solider. A different looter. A different set of Libyan rebels. This is where it starts to scare me. I’ve seen so many varieties of disasters with my own eyes, without actually being there, that it no longer affects me. I’m completely desensitised. I watch for the fascination and explicitness, not just the shock and horror. The first time it happened for me, on 9/11, I was shocked at the pure images without fully understanding. I saw planes fly into buildings, I saw people jump out of those burning buildings, and then I saw them collapse. I heard hysterical families, I heard heartbreaking answerphone messages, and I heard the world go into panic. The second time, on 7/7, I saw and heard it an hour away. It was closer to home, and I understood that people wanted to kill people. They wanted to kill families. Our families. The third time? Well, what third time? Take your pick. There’s been a few. Which earthquake hit country would you like me to pray for? Which rebels would you like me to back? Which terrorist would you like me to rejoice in the death of? It’s a necessity. It’s just what happens, right?

10 years ago, when you saw those towers being hit, then collapsing, then disappearing along with the people inside them, would you have thought that in 10 years time the world wouldn't have changed that much and the risk of it happening again is still there? Or would you have thought that being in the future with such development, we could feel safe and know that the world is stable and everything's going to be alright? Because it's not alright. I knew from 8 years old that things were not going to be alright. Things are never alright, and will never be alright, but we sit ensconced in our little lives and just watch things happen 'outside' like a movie reel. It'll affect me soon. I know it'll directly affect me some time in the future, and I accept that, and when it happens maybe I'll suddenly sit up and realise that life shouldn't be like this. That life is incredible, and people destroying that life and the world is not what should happen. But for now, it's normal. And I will watch. And I will not be shocked. And I will wait for something so massively horrific to happen, that I feel emotions I never knew existed.

The world is like a badly written story. You can tell what happens next, you know the future, and you just, well, wait...

Adulthood t-minus 4 days. Fml.

So here's the thing. It's my last ever first day at school tomorrow.

...

It's weird, and I don't really like it. But what I don't like even more is everyone a year older than me on Facebook posting stuff about moving to uni. In a month's time we're expected to start applying. That's not going to happen. I still don't know what to do, but with my brilliant nack of procrastination I've managed to put it off. Anyway, I've still been productive, because I GOT A JOB.

A REAL JOB.

I did NOT spend the majority of yesterday in my bedroom, sitting at my desk, scanning every item, going 'beep......beep.....beep.....beep....' Nope*.

Nan and Grandad were over yesterday and when I said I was working on checkouts they flipped and said stuff like, "WHAT?! The tills?! Money?! What if you steal it?!" Erm.
Then at dinner Nan said, "You know Sue got a frozen chicken thrown at her when she was on the tills. A frozen chicken in the face." Well thanks Nan, that's very comforting. If any frozen poultry is lobbed at my head I'll be sure to let you know.

I start next Friday (not this Friday, because this Friday's my birthday. Have I mentioned it's my birthday this Friday? I don't think I have) and it's perfect timing, as I'll now be able to begin accumulating money for Canada. I'm going to Canada on my own some time next year to stay with my auntie. Seeing as I'm such an independent woman now after Kos (lol) I thought WHY NOT. Go mad. Go away. Go solooooooooo. I'm very excited. If I had it my way, I'd be staying out there for months, but with this little thing called 'the most important school year', I can't. Boo.

I'm half hoping that I get a good stint of this book written, I'll send it off and a publishing company will want to take it on, and I don't have to worry about uni because they'll ask me to write more, I'll get an agent, I'll get more work, I'll move to Canada for a bit, I'll move to Cardiff because I can, I'll work on Doctor Who, I'll marry someone from Doctor Who, I'll still be writing more books, and we'll live happily ever after.

I don't ask for much, really.

In reality, I won't have time to write a good stint of the book because this whole effing year will consist of me stressing about exams, coursework, and shitting effing unis.

AND THAT'S WHAT YOU MISSED ON GLEE IN MY HEAD. (although it will be repeated, quite often, as it has already been countless times, so you can sky+ it or something, or watch it on Dave.) X

*Lies