Ever since I wrote my last post, I’ve wanted to take it
down. Edit it, break it apart and put it back together. But I don’t know
whether that’s out of embarrassment, a feeling of failure/weakness/being
pathetic, or whether it’s because I want order. I desperately want order and
perfection and sense and logic and stability. I’m obsessed with it. I want
meaning. If not for others, for myself. But I’m at the point now where I’m
realising sometimes that’s not possible. I’m not okay with it, but I know life
doesn’t work like that.
I’m struggling. Admitting it, right now. S t r u g g l i n
g. I moved back home two weeks ago after three years at university and I am
like a deer in headlights. And sure, I’m no different from any other graduand
(that’s a real life word describing someone who has finished their degree but
is yet to graduate, apparently ¯\_(ツ)_/¯). Unless
you are sound in yourself, your career path, your surroundings, your
opportunities (delete as applicable, just one would do), of course you’d be a
deer in headlights. Hell, even if you ARE sound in yourself, your career path,
etc, you can feel like a deer in headlights.
Life is fucking tough. This world is scary and mostly awful (if you need
any pessimism, I have a lot to share around), and you can feel like and be the
most independent little shit and still feel terrified about your future lying
on just your shoulders now. No more fall back of education (if you’re not
carrying on – and if you are, why, are you okay?) and knowing what’s coming
next. I HAVE LITERALLY NO IDEA WHAT’S COMING NEXT, and no that doesn’t excite
me, it terrifies me and has had me crying most days since I came home.