Twenty Fixteen? Sure, Jan...

Well.

Oh boy.

That was um… something, wasn’t it? 2016. Mmm. 

As this year has been slowly, painfully, dragging its sorry sore arse to the bitter end, I’ve been thinking about the 'Twenty Fixteen' post I wrote at the end of 2015, all about how WONDERFUL and BADASS and PRODUCTIVE and PROGRESSIVE 2016 was going to be. I wrote some resolutions and I had dreams and goals and unfathomable amounts of hope to achieve them, and as I sit here now, in my crumb-filled dent of the bed where I spend most of my days, I’m hovering over that post with held breath and eyes squinted because…

MY GOD WASN’T 2016 FUCKING AWFUL? JESUS. FUCK. I MEAN, REALLY, GOOD GOD WHAT ON EARTH WAS THAT??? WHO SENT IT??? SHITTING HECK. YOU BASTARD. 

So, here goes. Looking back at my resolutions for, what established itself pretty quickly as, the year of the depths of fiery hell.

Finish book.

The big one. The monster. The one that’s been my hidden resolution for the last five years, but the one that now I find achievable and believable. I’m going to finish writing my debut. I am I am I am. 

I mean… I did finish it. I finished writing my first book in April, which wasn’t bad going at all. I won’t go into the absolutely tumultuous, unexpected, horrible carnage that then ensued but none of that takes away the fact that I have written a book. Tick.

Unapologetically write.

I’m bored of letting fear of opinion and/or ridicule stop me from writing. I love writing, and I want to write about anything and everything, everywhere, so I’m going to blog constantly and maybe even try my hand at some more freelance writing in 2016. I can and I will.

Mmm, I did write. I didn’t get back into blogging like I wanted to, but I wrote a little bit here and I actually freelanced! I’ve been writing for betty, a platform full of awesome women writing empowering, funny, and bold pieces for 11-15 year old girls. So that’s pretty cool. 

Keep running.

Running has been the weirdest addition to my 2015, but definitely one of the most impacting. It makes me feel good and it’s methodical. It’s practical and therapeutic. So I want to keep running at least twice a week and maybe even take part in a 5k and 10k. I want medals, damn it. 

Oh, I’m having this one. I’m having this one SO HARD. I ran my first 5k (and my first parkrun) in April, ran the Vitality British 10k through London in July, and… ahem… the Royal Parks HALF MARATHON in October. I smashed it out the park, lads. And in the park, and around the park, and all the many, many parks. TICK IT.

Give less chances and more love.

I’m done with excusing people for shitty behaviour, and I’m done with caring so much about others’ opinions. In the process of focusing on the shits, I end up not giving my all to the people who really matter, so I’m going to spoil them horrendously in 2016. (If my best friends could all message me their favourite type of cake, that’d get the ball rolling a lot easier. Cheers.)

Alas, as was predicted by my many years of having fragile friendships, I still struggle to fuckery with this one. I started the year well by writing love letters to my best friends. I know what a good friend is, what makes a good friendship, and who I can rely on in my life. But I still haven’t nailed how to deal with unhealthy friendships. I’m a clinger-on, man. I don’t know when to let go for my own good. 

Read 24 books.

It doesn’t sound like a lot. Others’ targets are ofte- OH LOOK, there I go again. Thinking about what others are doing. No. I want to read at least two books a month because that’s achievable for me. 

I’m on 23 and have every faith that I will shove another one down my throat before the year’s out.

Go on European city breaks.

I’m not one for going travelling, but I want to up my Instagram game so I need to see some fancy buildings and drop some hashtags… I joke (kind of). I can tell I’m growing up by the fact I DO want to see fancy buildings over a beach and too-clean swimming pool, and I’m willing to actually budget food money instead of relying on all-inclusive deals. Three cities. I want to try and see three cities on the mainland in 2016.

We went to Berlin, Germany and Prague, Czech Republic. Not quite three but money is money. England got more of a look-in, though. We went to *reviews Instagram* Bath, Longleat, Wookey Hole, Wells, Bradford-on-Avon, Maldon, Walton-on-the-Naze, Lavenham, Whitstable, Herne Bay, Birmingham, Stratford-upon-Avon, and Warwick. Needs more North, on reflection.

Try and come off my meds.

It’s as simple as that. 

Well, I’m off them.

Don’t beat myself up if I can’t.

It probably won’t be as simple as that.

It’s been a struggle since the positivity of my last blog post on this, and if I end up back on them (likely) then I WILL beat myself up. To be continued. 

Cuddles puppies wherever possible.

Or kittens. Or anything fluffy, apart from mouldy oranges. I’ve been in contact with too many of them in 2015.

Always. 

***

2016 will no doubt bring a lot of misery. The world sucks. But it can be the year you deal with it all well and counteract it with beautiful things. Go forth, my son. Drag the shit with you and smother it in glitter. 

It was miserable. Boy, was it miserable. From the deaths of well-loved celebrities gone far too soon, to the sudden and heartbreaking deaths of my boyfriend’s mum and many, many family friends. From grandparents spending half the year in hospital, to their house being flooded and destroyed. From terrifying political choices from both those inside and the public, to the horrendous destruction of war-torn countries with no sign of it getting any better. 

It’s been fucking awful, and when someone asked me to think of three good things that came out of this year, I couldn’t think of one that didn’t include running. Which is the one focus to keep me alive this year. But that’s the thing; I am alive! After all the shit of 2016, I came out of it alive. A bit bedraggled, greasy, spot-smothered, and three stone heavier, maybe, but alive nonetheless. 

And hey, going through this year’s resolutions wasn’t so bad. I worked on all of them, and certainly improved on them if not fully achieved. Maybe some good did come out of this year. But also, for you, maybe it didn’t. And I’m so sorry if it’s just been plain horrid shite with no glitter in sight. We can only hope for good things and an abundance of good luck for 2017. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Keep looking after yourself and those around you, focus on the little things to keep you sane if not happy, and don’t give up on keeping on. 

I wrote this while listening to my 'Your Top Songs 2016' playlist from Spotify, which was pretty decent. Thanks, Spotify.